The other day my mother told me she’d misplaced something. “I’m sorry,” I said, to which she replied, “Well it’s not your fault.”
This response to “I’m sorry” used to leave me flummoxed. It stems, of course, from the fact that the phrase can mean two different things: an apology or an expression of sympathy. Sometimes the meaning is clear from the context. If you were to say “I’m so sorry!” to someone upon learning that their spouse had just died, it’s unlikely their response would be “Well, it not your fault.” But in other circumstances there’s room for confusion.
At some point I realized that I could clear things up by responding, as I did to my mother, “I was sympathizing, not apologizing.” But I’d like to find a way to avoid the confusion altogether.
I’ve partly addressed this by learning not to say “I’m sorry” when my intention is to apologize. I just say “I apologize.” That eliminates the chance that anyone might interpret my apology as avoiding responsibility, as in “I’m sorry you feel that way.” But I haven’t come up with an equally good substitute for “I’m sorry” when I want to express sympathy. There are things you could say to comfort someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one — “How terrible for you,” or “My heart hurts for you” — but those would sound downright snarky if we said them to someone who had just misplaced their favorite sweater.
In Spanish, the equivalent of “I’m sorry” as an expression of sympathy is “qué lástima,” which literally translates as “what a shame” or “what a pity.” No risk of confusion there, so perhaps the way to avoid confusion in English is to say just that: “What a shame.” And it occurs to me that I could also avoid confusion by saying “I’m sorry to hear that” rather than just “I’m sorry.” From now on I’ll try to remember to say one of those.
I like “what a shame.” It says what’s meant clearly. I’m going to try to use it more as appropriate.