Still Working on Being a Better Husband After 36 Years

My wife has noted that whenever she has the thought that our marriage has stood the test of time, she hears about a couple who has gotten divorced after having been together even longer than we have. There seems to be no length of time that a couple can be married that allows them to assume that they are “out of the woods.”

After 36 years, I still make mistakes in my relationship and have to clean them up. Getting angry about something Jennifer does or says that strikes me as unfair or disrespectful is the most common one. I’m predisposed to get defensive and angry when I perceive a slight. The thing is, Jennifer is a good-hearted person, so I inevitably wind up having to apologize when I discover that it was all just a misunderstanding.

Earlier this year I sat down and thought about how I could avoid making this kind of mistake. I decided that when I feel my temper rising I should just say, “I need to think about this,” and then shut up until I’ve had a chance to do just that.

The trick, of course, would be remembering to respond that way in the moment. Reacting angrily is a reflex, so I had no confidence that I’d remember my resolution to say, “I need to think about this,” until after I’d already reacted, especially if it wasn’t until months later that the need to do so arose.

So I created a recurring item on my to-do list that pops up once a week to remind me of my resolution. It says simply, “I have to think about this.” That reminder ensures that it’s never more than seven days since I last recalled and renewed my commitment to respond constructively.

I can’t say whether it’s working because I don’t actually get upset with Jennifer very often, and it seems to be even less often of late. The one time I’ve had occasion to employ that phrase was not with Jennifer but with someone else. They said something to which my initial inclination was to argue, but instead I said, “I’ll have to think about that.” I was very glad to have done so.

I suspect the project of being a better husband will never end. Come to think of it, it’s essential that it never end. The last thing I can afford is to become complacent about my marriage.